On July 21, 2005 my husband Robert & I went to the doctor to have our five month ultrasound done. We were excited to find out the sex of our baby. During the ultrasound the tech was pretty quiet and she told us that our baby looked like a boy, but she was not sure. She popped our VHS in for about 30 seconds to tape our babies ultrasound. I thought that was pretty odd. After she was done she told us to go back out in the waiting room and the doctor would call us in to speak with us. The doctor called us in his office and told us the tech had discovered a serious birth defect called anencepahly. I had heard of anencepahly before, I immediatly started crying. He went on to tell us that part of our babies brain was missing and part of his skull too. He said most babies with anencepahly are miscarried, stillborn, or live a short time after birth. We were told that we had the option to induce labor early, which he said is what most people do. The doctor set us up an appointment in 4 days to confirm the diagnosis with a level 2 ultrasound. We had to call all of our family and tell them our baby was going to die. That was the worst day of my life.
I was not sure what I was going to do. At first I thought there was no way I could possibly carry my baby for four more months knowing he was going to die. I had to get online and read everything I could about anencepahly. Once I found out that there were no risk of me carrying my baby to term and I could possibly have hours or days with my baby alive I knew I had to carry him as long as I could. I found out that my baby probably could not feel pain so I knew he would not be suffering.. I prayed that the ultrasound was wrong and that my baby was ok. If he really did have this I prayed that God would heal him before the level 2 ultrasound. That did not happen and I never prayed that he would be healed again.From then on I prayed that God would bless us with time with our baby alive. I was so upset that I could not even tell people what was happening with our baby because I would start crying too badly. A lot of people did not understand why we would want to carry our son to term, they said they thought it would be too hard on us. It was hard, but terminating the pregnancy would have been hard also. I had always said I would never abort becasue there was something wrong with my baby, but of course I never thought there would be anything wrong and I never thought my baby would have a fatal birth defect.
I tried to enjoy every little kick I felt from Logan. His Daddy loved to feel him kick. Sometimes he would kick so hard it would wake his Daddy up in the middle of the night. I was too upset to return to my job so I stayed home the remainder of my pregnancy. It was hard to go out in public sometimes because I would see babies or pregnant women and it was very upsetting for me. Robert was such a good Daddy. He talked to and rubbed my belly he even painted it with finger paints one night. We have a six year old son named Jacob and he was upset that his much wanted baby brother had to go to heaven after he was born. We told him he had a boo-boo on his head and was going to live with God & Jesus after he was born.
The rest of my pregnancy went pretty normal and I never had built up amniotic fluid (poly). Some mothers have this due to these babies not being able to swallow most of the times. I believe Logan was able to swallow. I got pretty big. I wanted to have a c-section with Logan because I knew that would insure a live birth. My doctor did not agree with me on this. She said there was really no reason to go through major surgery for a baby that would not survive long. I told her I didn’t care to put me down for a c-section anyways. The date was schduled for November 28, 2005.
November 28, 2005- Our son Logan Quinn was born at 12:28 pm weighing 6 lbs. and 17 1/2 inches long. I was crying before they even started on my c-section. As soon as Logan was born the doctor said “Well his plumbing works, he’s peeing all over me”. I looked over to where the nurses were wiping him off and checking his vitals. The first thing I said to Robert was “he’s so beautiful !” The nurses put a shirt, diaper, and cap on him and wrapped him up. They handed him to Robert and Robert brought him over for me to see him. I was crying so much. I guess becasue I was happy to fianlly meet my son and sad that this was the only time I would spend with him. Logan let out several cries after he was born, I cried everytime he cried.
Once we got back to the recovery room and spent over an hour just looking at him and talking to him. He was so beautiful ! He kept acting like he was hungary. When I would brush his check his mouth would go for my hand like he was looking for the breast. So I tried to nurse him. He was unable to nurse,but he acted like he wanted to. I was able to drop a little bit of breast milk into his mouth. Robert dressed him in his Winnie the Pooh outfit, we examined his body. He was perfect in every way. He was so big ! 6lbs. 17 1/2 inches long. We expected him to be about 3 or 4 lbs. We looked under his cap where his skull should have been. I had thought I would not be able to look at his head, but it did not bother me at all.
We were moved into our regular room on the maternity floor. We were given a large room at the end of the hall and I never did hear any other babies crying.We got settled into our room with Logan right beside my bed in his warmer. Then all of our visitors were allowed into the room. There were a lot of people there to meet our son. Logan acted so much like a “normal” newborn.He yawned a million times like he was just so tired. I guess being born is pretty tiring. There was one time when he tried to put his hand in his mouth to suck on. It was so cute.He peed a few times and when I changed his diaper he peed on me and all over his clothes.He cried when I messed with his umbilical cord while changing him.
All went well the first day of Logan’s life, so I was hoping he would live long enough so that we could take him home with us for a little while. That night Robert & I didn’t get much sleep, I don’t think either one of us wanted to go to sleep. I know I wanted to spend every second I could loving on Logan knowing he could leave us at anytime. I layed Logan next to me and curled up with him and we were in and out of sleep for a few hours. At about 3:00 in the morning the nurse came and took my morphine pump off and I was able to get out of the bed. Robert & I left Logan with his Grandmother for a few moments while we went outside and got some fresh air. If the nurses would have let me I would have taken Logan with me. When we got back Robert layed down on the couch curled up with Logan. Daddy & Logan slept together on the couch for about 3 hours.
The next morning Logan was still doing good, but was having moments when he would just quit breathing. When he would do this his lips would pucker up his tongue would pock out and his body would get very stiff. Each time he did this everyone would freak out and get upset. I tried to stay calm, if Logan was about to die I wanted it to be peaceful for him and for Robert & I.His grandmother called the nurses in (I didnt want them in there) there was nothing that could be done for Logan if he was about to die. He was not as active the second day. He kept his eyes open the entire day though. Around noon Logan was baptised by the hospitals chaplain. Daddy held his son and cried during his baptism.
At about 9:30 that while Logans Great-Grandmother was holding him Logan quit breathing for a minute. I grabbed him up and Robert and I sat down on the bed with him. We rocked him and talked to him. Robert asked Logan to hold on that we would take him home in the morning. While we were holding Logan he would have the spells off and on for about 15 minutes. Everyone around us was very upset and almost smoothering us while this was happening, again I tried to stay calm becasue I wanted Logan’s last moments to be peaceful for us and him. At 9:44 pm Logan passed in his Mommy & Daddy’s arms. I did not cry at first when he died, I could tell the second he passed and I quietly said “He’s gone” the nurse checked his heartbeat and told us that yes he had passed. I may have had a few tears in my eyes, but I did not act as upset as everyone else. I knew this was coming for almost four months. Yes I was sad, but I reamained calm. I believe it was becasue everyone around us were acting as if Logan just died out of the blue for no reason and I wanted to savor the last moments with my son, there would be plenty of time to cry later. Not long after he passed the nurses needed to take him so they could get blood for some test. After they took him is when I started crying.
After about 45 minutes the nurses brought Logan’s body back to us. The family members who were there said their good-byes to him and left. Robert & I spent the next few hours with Logan taking pictures and holding him. Then the man from the funeral home came to get him. We gave him good-bye kisses and I had to place my son in this black leather bag. The man zipped it up and walked away with Logan’s body. That memory is very painful for me. The next morning we packed up our things and went home. Going into a hospital pregnant and than leaving without your baby is something no mother should ever have to go through. It was very hard.
Since his death things have gotten easier, but it still hurts everyday. I still miss him and think about him constantly. I have never regretted carrying my son to term and if had to make this choice again I would not hesitate to do the same. Though I pray we never have to go through this again. Logan was such a blessing to know. I hope that he was able to touch others hearts as much as he touched ours.
