After losing 6 babies to miscariages,I gave up thinking I could ever have one… I decided to adopt, and low and behold I became pregnant and carried him 6 months…two weeks before he was born I found out he had anencephaly and no chance at survival..my heart was broken my dreams were shattered……… I searched web sights on this disease I had never heard of..when I seen what I was going to be facing,the shock and disbelief of such tragedy remained…. The doctors wanted me to abort but there was no way I could do that..He was my son….instead of fixing up the nursery,we took it down and planned our sons funeral.
March 24,2005 I went into labor at 6 months along…14 hours later I met this incredible baby with such fight.The doctors were amazed that he was still alive,They covered him gently and handed him to me….and for 19 minutes I never felt such love..Yes he was tiny and deformed in mortal eyes..but mine..he was beautiful, untouched and so sweet..
I called his death at 5:49 pm as I felt his little heart stop beating..The only thing that kept me from going insane was knowing that I handed him to Jesus..and now he’s whole..perfect..as the song Jesus has a rocking chair was sang by all in the room.There was peace beyond words…My lil’ Cyril John Toenjes JR.
One week later I got a phone call from the couple I was going to adopt from,asking me to please adopt their child that had just been born that morning.I got myself out of bed and went to the hospital..and there he was..I knew he was my son,I took him home 2 day’s later.We named him Anthony Paul. I knew God has his hand in it…Anthony was 1 when we decided to adopt a girl…and again I found out I was pregnant..and again docs told me to abort..and again I said NO………I now have a beautiful healthy baby girl that I call Sara Miracle..she is 1 now..God gave me back 2 babies in a year and halfs time….No words can explain this union…..
There’s much heart break and not enough understanding in something like this. The tears will be shed and you may even become cold. A million different feelings… But Please..don’t give up that chance of spending as much time as you can with that special child..because there is bonding even the short time they have..you will never be the same person…my prayers go out to you during this chapter of life your in…God grant you the peace that passes all understanding.
Sincerely Kim Toenjes
Loving Memory of Lil’ JR
